been dozing off at random times during the day, drifting in and out of sleep. for many weeks now, i haven't had much rest though the number of hours of shut-eye i've had seems to imply otherwise. but sleep deprivation won't be the case anymore cause as of three hours ago, i am done with The Big A's. well, it's not so much the sleep that i long for, but the inner peace, the serenity, the feeling of being utterly care-free that i sorely miss. i'm fine with learning but the idea of being a muggertoad and a pure paper/grade-chaser is absolutely abhorrent. so for the past few months, i didn't like myself very much. it just goes against the grain, and not to mention that the process is so fucking painful, especially when i feel that the effort i put in was all for nothing. the first paper itself crushed my spirit flat, felt so fucking defeated. was gunning for A for Gen. P. but it's not going to happen cause what i wrote wasn't deserving of an A grade but here's hoping for a miracle anyway. every paper after the first looked like an insurmountable task, the two or was it three weeks after felt like forever. Cambridge sure knows how to torture people. i was just going through the motions in a half-hearted manner, day in, day out. even when i felt like breaking down, i couldn't because that'd really be the end of me. i'd just wallow in my own self-pity party and would never even bother to sit for any of the papers. i couldn't afford the luxury of letting go cause it's too convenient, too indulgent, too gutless. besides, crying wouldn't finish my papers for me. now i feel so tired and the thought of not aceing The A's is draining the life out of me. i can't stop thinking about it even when i know that i've already had my chance and i've already done whatever i could at the very last minute to save my own ass. it's like i never learn from my mistakes at all. I thought scraping through O's would serve as a reminder that last-minute mugging ain't gonna reap anything much and sober me up a little. guess not..... and the thought still lingers.

some say The Big A's is like a rite of passage, you gotta go thru' it at least once. well, there'd better not be a second time for me. i don't think i've the strength or patience for it.

***

may not sound like it, but i'm very, very relieved that it's over. the feeling of ecstacy is slowly but surely creeping in, thankfully.